Child Loss

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This morning I lay in bed with a huge smile on my face. It seems impossible for someone to be so happy yet so broken at the same time. Bella has been sending me gifts and I’m trying to soak it all in.
I’ve had some mixed feedback about Bella’s birthday bash so I want to clear up a few things. First of all, let me ask “What is a Birthday?”
We celebrate birthdays as a way to celebrate the day a person was born. It’s not about celebrating becoming older. It’s not about cake or presents. Somehow the concept of what a birthday is got spoiled and the true meaning was lost. 
A birthday is for parents to celebrate the day they became parents. The anniversary of the best day of 2 peoples lives as they welcome a new life that they created. It’s so sacred! 
A birthday bash for my daughter may be very selfish. I’ll admit it… This birthday bash is more for Bella’s father and me than anyone else. All I ask is that people please respect this. 
The day Bella was born was the best day of my life. I’m sure Shawn would say the same thing.
I was approached by an amazing person who wrote a song for Bella and wanted to hold an event to play this song for us, and suggested that any money raised be donated to us. This was a beautiful gesture, but the thought of us getting money didn’t sit well, so I began researching ideas of what I could do with any money raised. I found a pink park bench and knew I had to get one for Bella. 
Bella’s father and I talked about it and more people wanted to be involved so the idea quickly evolved. Her birthday was approaching and I desperately wanted to have it as a celebration of the day she came into this world. Selfish, yes. Wrong? Hardly… 
Bella is still very much alive. I am serious when I say she talks to me. My psychiatrist knows she talks to me and his report states that I am not crazy! She tells me how much she appreciates what I am doing for her and is actually very excited about her party. She may never be “2 years old” but her birthday will always be the anniversary of the best day of my life. To Bella, she is not dead (and does not like when I say that word). Bella transitioned to a higher dimension. She is HERE and continues to be ALIVE, just not in the physical 3rd dimensional world we perceive.
Bella wants to redefine “death” to help humans understand that it’s not at all what we perceive it to be. The rainbows I see everywhere I go, rocks I find in strange places, and odd things that occur on a daily basis, are all signs from Bella, my guardian angel, making sure I KNOW that she’s here with me. Yesterday she sent me a song to tell me that I am “never alone” (Lady Antebellum) and the lyrics of that song are very real to her and I. 
This “birthday bash” is a party for Bella’s father and I, our families, friends, and anyone else who wants to be a part of it. It’s a pub, a party for adults, a celebration our angel. 

#StayStrong❤️

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All is calm and quiet. I hear the water trickling in my fish tank, the empty tank that used to be our pet Jerry’s home. He is now Bella’s pet fish and I’m sure she’s loving the extra company. 
Things here are at a standstill. I am digging myself back out from this hole yet again. It doesn’t take much to set me back. Negative encounters drain me and lower my frequency. This causes me to isolate myself. When my frequency is down, Bella has a difficult time communicating with me. Despite that, she continues to make her presence known. She always finds a way to get through to me.
Bella has been visiting several of my friends, some who didn’t believe she actually communicates with me. They are now believers! I am convinced that my daughter is going to reshape the way we perceive death. She is not dead and although I continue to use that term, I have a hard time saying it because I know different. Bella is very much alive! She is happy and well. 
Even though I know she is always here with me, I will continue to go through the process of grief. It’s necessary and is the only way I’ll ever be able to heal. Spiritually, she is here with me, but physically, I am still missing her, that piece of me. When you lose a child, a piece of you really does die along with them… And she’s correcting me as I write this. Her version is “as I transitioned, I took a piece of you but that’s because humans are limited in what they can perceive.” She says there are entire worlds beyond what we can see. 
She chose me. For that I am blessed. I’m meant to experience losing my child and I know her reasons for choosing me. I’m doing the best I can under the circumstances and she is doing her best to help me. She sends me gifts, many of them, and it’s constant! She wants me to be happy because she can feel me when I am happy. My daughter has just sent me the best gift anyone has ever given me. I have never felt so sure about anything in my life. 
Today, I feel love. I feel alive!❤️

#StayStrong❤️

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Happy Thanksgiving! This year I am thankful for my family. I wouldn’t be here without them. Most of all, I am thankful for my guardian angel. She has given me so many gifts, things beyond my wildest dreams. I am blessed to be an angel’s mommy. I am thankful for the 19 months I got to hold her in my arms. I am thankful for the love, the memories, and the hard lessons. I wouldn’t be who I am today without my daughter. Thank you Bella for choosing me and being with me every single moment for the rest of eternity. #StayStrong❤️

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The last few days have been so up and down. There’s so much more that comes along with losing a child which most people wouldn’t think about. So much that still needs to be done that I can’t bring myself to do. Preparing to do these things brings so much sadness that I have to stop. Things like canceling her health card and sending her death certificate to wherever it needs to go. The mere sight of that paper yesterday was enough to send me into a whirlwind. 
Everything becomes difficult when you lose a child. Sometimes even your reflexes stop and reminders are needed to make sure you breathe. But the last few days have also been filled with excitement as I plan Bella’s birthday party. It seems strange that planning her birthday bash would bring me joy, but anything I can do for her fills me with love and happiness. She tells me she is happy I’m doing this for her and she’s excited about her party. Her doll always talks while I work on anything to do with her party.
I’ve continued to write every night, but the things I’ve been writing about are not things I can post. There is so much that is not known to others, and as open and honest as I am in my posts, honestly there are things that the public will never know about. This is for no other reason than respect for others and wanting to protect them. Sometimes our “story” is not ours to share. Someday I may share it, most likely in the books that Bella tells me I will be writing, but for now my life remains a complicated mess on the inside and is masked by the fact that I just lost my daughter. Reality is this mess existed long before she left. 
I wish more people would appreciate what they have. Even the bad times. Appreciate every moment because not everyone has those opportunities. Life was not easy before Bella transitioned, but nothing compares to this. I would give absolutely anything to be sleep deprived again. I want my chaotic life back! Parenting is hard work and some people aren’t fortunate enough to experience the difficulties that go hand in hand with the joys of parenting. Complaining about the challenges doesn’t help anyone.
I’m just as guilty as every other parent out there. I was a single parent of 2 kids for a year. 4 months of that year I was still on maternity leave, and then I became a full time working single mother of 2 with a side business. Busy is an understatement. Despite the challenges I faced, I made a point of capturing at least one “happy moment” every single day. When I look back at the pictures of my hectic life, I see only happy memories. These are the moments I will remember for eternity. 
Sometimes parents get overwhelmed. It happens to the best of us, and it’s ok to get frustrated. It’s how you handle those frustrations that matters. It’s about where you choose to focus your energy. To those parents who don’t get to see their kids every day, remember to make the most out of every moment you do have, and do your best to have as many moments as possible. That’s what counts! 
To all of the parents out there that are fortunate enough to have moments with your children, please embrace them all. The good, the bad and especially the ugly because these are the moments that allow us to grow. Remember that there are parents out there who would give their last breath for one more moment with their child. Love every moment and you will have no regrets because, as Bella keeps telling me, “Love is the answer.”


#StayStrong❤️

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Every parent’s worst fear is for something terrible to happen to their child. We all do the best we can to protect our babies, but reality is sometimes bad things happen. Unexplainable things. Tragedies that tear us apart at our core. This past June 28, the unimaginable happened to us when our baby Bella left this world. 
Bella was 19 months old. A very special spirit, she touched everyone who ever came into contact with her. She had depth to her soul that no child could possibly possess. She was here for a reason and now it’s up to us to fulfill her purpose and keep her memory alive.
When a child dies, everyone around that child is affected. It shook the ground in our small community and friends and strangers from all over have reached out to us to show their love and support. We could never express our gratitude as words are insufficient, but know that it has touched us in ways we never knew existed. 
Now that she is gone, it is up to us to keep her memory alive and in order to do that, we need your help. We plan to build a memorial for Bella in a local park. Plans include a pink park bench, flower pots, and hopefully an oak tree (the acorns are currently sitting in soil mixed with Bella’s placenta and ashes – a tree of life). Anything extra will be going towards improving Larder Lake’s playground. 
Please note that a Birthday Bash to celebrate Bella’s 2nd Birthday will be taking place on November 15 in Kirkland Lake, featuring 3 very talented local bands to help us raise money. Space will be limited. Details will be posted soon.
Click HERE to donate to Bella’s Memorial Fund.
#StayStrong

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It’s morning. I’m still in bed and it’s after 8 am. I came back to bed but of course I can’t sleep. I need my ME time and when you’re surrounded by family, it’s hard to come by.
I’m with my sisters again. We decided to come south for the weekend. Our drive yesterday filled me with blessings.
I feel blessed that Bella chose me to be her mom. She may have left but comes to me every single day in some form (Bella corrects me and reminds me that she didn’t leave, she transitioned, and this was her choice). She keeps giving me gifts. Love, hope, and understanding. I struggle to understand why I’m receiving these gifts from her because I feel that as a grieving mother, I should be feeling pain and anger, but instead I am so full of love today.
It’s not always this way. This is the roller coaster of grief. I never know from one day to the next what emotions will consume me but I am forced to accept what is. This is my reality. This is grief. I am thankful to have days of overwhelming positivity, as yesterday brought to me.
On our way here, we stopped at the mall in North Bay and I found 2 Christmas ornaments for Bella. One will be Bella’s hand print, and the other is an angel drawing a rainbow. I was overflowing with love as I found these, as well as an angel “worry stone.” Rocks and rainbows have so much meaning to Bella and I. I will continue to use rocks to give my worries to my angel, my Bella.
It’s amazing how intense my connection to Bella is. It’s such a strong bond that not even death can separate us. She comes everywhere with me and constantly gives me signs. I now know why she sends me rocks, and now I also know why she sends me rainbows. She is a rainbow child. 
Even though our time together in the physical realm was short, Bella will never leave my side. My rainbow child will continue to fulfill her life purpose, which is something she could never do in life. As her mother, it is my job to help her get her messages out. Maybe the time has come to share. I can’t help but wonder how they will be received. 


#StayStrong❤️ #RainbowChild🌈

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It’s hard to believe it has already been 3 months, yet so much has happened in such a short time that it feels like an eternity since I last saw my baby girl. The summer came and is now gone. As the leaves are changing colours, I take in the beauty this world has to offer. I take deep breaths and enjoy the scent of the fresh air, the cold damp grass under my feet, and the cool breeze against my skin. Today, I feel grounded.
I haven’t been living in the present. I’ve been living with this fear that if I allow myself to be happy, it will take away from Bella’s importance. I didn’t realize that it’s okay to miss her and still be happy. I need to give myself permission to miss her but not be a wreck over the fact that she’s not physically here anymore. She’s here in a different way. I spoke with her as I put my oils on last night. She made her presence known with a whisper in my ear, and a huge smile came across my face. 
She’s been leaving me rocks in random places. As I write this, I am realizing why she is doing this. During my session with Brian the medium, Bella told him that I’m carrying a basket of rocks and she wanted me to give her my heavy basket in exchange for a basket of flowers. She wants me to put my worries into the rocks and give them to her to carry. “I’m strong enough, mommy. I can handle it.” Last night I finally did that. I’ve been putting these rocks aside and last night I held one in my hand and put my sadness into it. I allowed myself to feel the sadness and it took me over; I envisioned my sadness going from my heart to the rock in my hand and I cried. Hard. 
I felt better after that cry. Normally when I start to cry, it consumes me and it is very difficult to come back from it. 
Today was a new day. Hudson and I played outside. We had fun and truly enjoyed each other. I haven’t laughed so much since Bella left. It was pretty amazing. 


#StayStrong❤️ #BePresent #LiveInTheMoment

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It’s going to take a lot of hard work in order for me to be happy. Life may not be easy, but it’s not supposed to be. If it were, we wouldn’t learn anything. Bella chose me to be her mom for a reason and now I have to prove to her that I can handle this. I am going to dig myself out if this hole.
The day after Bella died, I almost died too. I went into cardiac arrest. It was a very close call. I had a choice to make, and I chose life. When I was “unconscious” I was actually with Bella. I saw a tunnel and the bright white light. It’s real. Heaven is just beyond that light and I was reaching towards it. I really wanted to be with my baby girl. What she told me was that Hudson needed me more than she did. Because of him, I chose life.
Choosing life, however, differs from choosing to live. I have been existing, but I haven’t been living. I need to start living, for Hudson’s sake. My little boy, my whole world, is the reason I need to live and be happy. I’ve always been able to do anything for my kids, so I need to pull myself together. For Hudson, because he needs me. For Bella, because it’s what she wants me to do.
Bella has been giving me pointers on how I can get back on track. Being outside helps. Grass soothes my soul and keeps me grounded, so today I made an indoor grass mat. Now I can have grass under me every single day. I also need to get back to using my oils more. I’ve been avoiding them. Maybe unconsciously I’ve been staying away from them because I know they help and I wanted to feel depressed.
I was more productive today than I have been in months! It felt great, and I still had energy to take Hudson to the park. This is what living is all about!
Today, I choose to #StayStrong❤️

Today, I choose to LIVE!

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Some days are strictly about survival. I’ve been having a lot of those days lately. A couple of weeks ago I allowed some of the pain to escape and I’ve been having a hard time keeping it in ever since. This is why I refuse to talk about certain things. I will openly talk about any other aspect of what I am experiencing, but please don’t ask about my pain.
No one wants to feel pain. We fear it and do everything possible to avoid it. When it’s present, all we can do is deal with it. One day at a time, one hour at a time, one minute at a time. One breath at a time…
I was hoping that writing about it would help me feel better, but by allowing some more of the pain to escape, I just made the hole a little bit bigger. I do, however, need to feel this pain. I need to let it out in order to heal. 
I’m in survival mode. I do as little as I have to in a day. Hudson is well cared for but I feel a lot of guilt that I haven’t been able to do more fun things with him. I have been trying, but I feel that it’s still not enough. 
I remember a time, not so long ago, when my kids were my whole life. Everything I did was for them. We spent all our time together and made a point of doing something fun every single day, even if that was simply dancing in our living room. Now doing these things with Hudson is so hard. It’s a constant reminder that someone is missing. Now it seems that my life revolves around this gaping wound in my chest and trying to cover it up. As with all deep wounds, the blood seeps out faster than I can keep up with so I keep putting on new band aids.
I remember a TV commercial that used say “depression hurts – all over.” This couldn’t be more accurate. Everything hurts. These last couple of weeks have been pretty painful and difficult. I’m already missing out on so much with my angel. 
Bella’s friends started dance class. She should be dancing with them. Hudson started dance class too. We were there tonight and the most precious baby girl was asleep in her car seat. I couldn’t take my eyes off her, yet I felt physical pain by just looking at her. Her mom mentioned that she doesn’t sleep well at night. I so badly wanted to tell her that my baby girl was never a good sleeper either, but I dread the reaction I get when people find out my baby girl is now an angel. 
At first I was pretty open about talking to people about it but I quickly discovered that people treat you differently after you lose a child so sometimes I choose not to mention it. Many people feel awkward because they don’t know what to say, some people avoid conversation altogether. I’m not sure if not mentioning my angel actually helps because so far it seems to amplify the pain. It’s a losing battle.
After 15 consecutive bad days, I chose to smile and enjoy the rest of the day. And so I did, as much as I could. But now it’s quiet and all I can think about tonight is how much I miss her. It’s getting harder to #StayStrong💔

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Dark days. We all have them. It’s how we get through them that matters. These are things we aren’t taught growing up. We do the best we can with what we have, with what we know. The last few weeks have been about survival.
The pain is constant. I feel it cut through my chest like a knife. There are moments where the pain is so intense that I can’t breathe. I welcome the pain even though I fear it because I need to feel it. During the moments I succumb to the pain, I allow it to take me over. I cry, but then I feel like I can’t catch my breath and search for the light. I fear the moment that the screams start. Once I start, I don’t think I’ll be able to stop. 
My dark days are spent at home. I’ve been isolating myself and only go out when I have to. I’m sitting on the couch a lot. I read and I started playing a few games on my iPad regularly as an escape. I look forward to night time. That’s when Bella comes to me. She has been giving me little bits of information every night. 
I’m starting to see what really happened to my daughter. She tells me that the cause of death isn’t important, that it was meant to be this way and there was nothing anyone could do to change the result. She’s also telling me that her death happened the way it did to help teach others about certain things. The world is in the process of a significant shift. People are waking up to what’s really going on around them. Her and my purpose are to help with this shift.
It makes me angry is that I’m the one who is getting these messages. I shouldn’t have to wait until night time to hear from my baby girl. I should be seeing her every morning, wrapping my arms around her and kissing her. I should be playing with her, dancing with her, loving her. I should be living in the chaos of being a single mother with 2 kids, working full time and having no time to even think. Now all I have is time, and all I do is think. 
The healing hasn’t started yet and I wonder if it ever will. I am fulfilling my destiny by this experience of loss and I choose to make the most of it. I choose to help others in hopes that I can prevent this from happening to another mother, to another innocent child. In the mean time, I will continue to hope for better days. I will continue to fake being happy for the sake of my son. I will continue to survive. 
“It’s easy to feel hopeful on a beautiful day, but there will be dark days ahead of us too. There will be days where you feel alone and that’s when hope is needed most. No matter how buried it gets or how lost you feel, you must promise me that you will hold on to hope.” – The Amazing Spider-Man 2 
#StayStrong❤️ #DarkDays #Survival