Grief

Broken, But Happy!❤️

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Time does not heal all wounds. It takes a lot of hard work to be happy. For me it’s going to take a lot of hard work to heal the emotional wounds. People can remain scarred for a lifetime if they don’t do the work to heal emotional scars. It’s time. I’m ready.
I’ve been living in this happy fantasy land where Prince Charming came and swept me off my feet. There’s nothing wrong with that because I know I deserve to be happy, loved, and respected. I can’t stay in this fantasy world forever because it’s a safe place where healing is postponed. And by “fantasy” I don’t mean it’s not real. Believe me, it’s VERY real. But this fantasy world is a place where pain does not exist. This pain can no longer be ignored.
Reality is my 19 month old baby girl left this realm. Reality is I will never get to feel her physical touch again. I feel her energy, but it’s not the same. It brings me joy to feel her this way, and I’m thankful that I at least have this much. A part of me is gone. Taken from me. And it’s something I can never get back.
What I need to do now is come down from cloud 9 and feel the pain of being robbed of the most precious gift I ever received. In order to feel this pain, I will go back to the beginning. Bella was a challenge right from the start. I was not only robbed of my daughter but was robbed of the enjoyment of being a new mom.
I now feel that I have the strength to go back to those days. Relive them. Feel the frustrations again and remember what they have taught me. The main purpose will be to heal, but also to help others going through similar struggles. 
Now that happiness has found me, I finally have the strength to do this. “Love is the answer” and will help me heal. So here it goes….
#StayStrong❤️

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This morning I lay in bed with a huge smile on my face. It seems impossible for someone to be so happy yet so broken at the same time. Bella has been sending me gifts and I’m trying to soak it all in.
I’ve had some mixed feedback about Bella’s birthday bash so I want to clear up a few things. First of all, let me ask “What is a Birthday?”
We celebrate birthdays as a way to celebrate the day a person was born. It’s not about celebrating becoming older. It’s not about cake or presents. Somehow the concept of what a birthday is got spoiled and the true meaning was lost. 
A birthday is for parents to celebrate the day they became parents. The anniversary of the best day of 2 peoples lives as they welcome a new life that they created. It’s so sacred! 
A birthday bash for my daughter may be very selfish. I’ll admit it… This birthday bash is more for Bella’s father and me than anyone else. All I ask is that people please respect this. 
The day Bella was born was the best day of my life. I’m sure Shawn would say the same thing.
I was approached by an amazing person who wrote a song for Bella and wanted to hold an event to play this song for us, and suggested that any money raised be donated to us. This was a beautiful gesture, but the thought of us getting money didn’t sit well, so I began researching ideas of what I could do with any money raised. I found a pink park bench and knew I had to get one for Bella. 
Bella’s father and I talked about it and more people wanted to be involved so the idea quickly evolved. Her birthday was approaching and I desperately wanted to have it as a celebration of the day she came into this world. Selfish, yes. Wrong? Hardly… 
Bella is still very much alive. I am serious when I say she talks to me. My psychiatrist knows she talks to me and his report states that I am not crazy! She tells me how much she appreciates what I am doing for her and is actually very excited about her party. She may never be “2 years old” but her birthday will always be the anniversary of the best day of my life. To Bella, she is not dead (and does not like when I say that word). Bella transitioned to a higher dimension. She is HERE and continues to be ALIVE, just not in the physical 3rd dimensional world we perceive.
Bella wants to redefine “death” to help humans understand that it’s not at all what we perceive it to be. The rainbows I see everywhere I go, rocks I find in strange places, and odd things that occur on a daily basis, are all signs from Bella, my guardian angel, making sure I KNOW that she’s here with me. Yesterday she sent me a song to tell me that I am “never alone” (Lady Antebellum) and the lyrics of that song are very real to her and I. 
This “birthday bash” is a party for Bella’s father and I, our families, friends, and anyone else who wants to be a part of it. It’s a pub, a party for adults, a celebration our angel. 

#StayStrong❤️

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All is calm and quiet. I hear the water trickling in my fish tank, the empty tank that used to be our pet Jerry’s home. He is now Bella’s pet fish and I’m sure she’s loving the extra company. 
Things here are at a standstill. I am digging myself back out from this hole yet again. It doesn’t take much to set me back. Negative encounters drain me and lower my frequency. This causes me to isolate myself. When my frequency is down, Bella has a difficult time communicating with me. Despite that, she continues to make her presence known. She always finds a way to get through to me.
Bella has been visiting several of my friends, some who didn’t believe she actually communicates with me. They are now believers! I am convinced that my daughter is going to reshape the way we perceive death. She is not dead and although I continue to use that term, I have a hard time saying it because I know different. Bella is very much alive! She is happy and well. 
Even though I know she is always here with me, I will continue to go through the process of grief. It’s necessary and is the only way I’ll ever be able to heal. Spiritually, she is here with me, but physically, I am still missing her, that piece of me. When you lose a child, a piece of you really does die along with them… And she’s correcting me as I write this. Her version is “as I transitioned, I took a piece of you but that’s because humans are limited in what they can perceive.” She says there are entire worlds beyond what we can see. 
She chose me. For that I am blessed. I’m meant to experience losing my child and I know her reasons for choosing me. I’m doing the best I can under the circumstances and she is doing her best to help me. She sends me gifts, many of them, and it’s constant! She wants me to be happy because she can feel me when I am happy. My daughter has just sent me the best gift anyone has ever given me. I have never felt so sure about anything in my life. 
Today, I feel love. I feel alive!❤️

#StayStrong❤️

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Every parent’s worst fear is for something terrible to happen to their child. We all do the best we can to protect our babies, but reality is sometimes bad things happen. Unexplainable things. Tragedies that tear us apart at our core. This past June 28, the unimaginable happened to us when our baby Bella left this world. 
Bella was 19 months old. A very special spirit, she touched everyone who ever came into contact with her. She had depth to her soul that no child could possibly possess. She was here for a reason and now it’s up to us to fulfill her purpose and keep her memory alive.
When a child dies, everyone around that child is affected. It shook the ground in our small community and friends and strangers from all over have reached out to us to show their love and support. We could never express our gratitude as words are insufficient, but know that it has touched us in ways we never knew existed. 
Now that she is gone, it is up to us to keep her memory alive and in order to do that, we need your help. We plan to build a memorial for Bella in a local park. Plans include a pink park bench, flower pots, and hopefully an oak tree (the acorns are currently sitting in soil mixed with Bella’s placenta and ashes – a tree of life). Anything extra will be going towards improving Larder Lake’s playground. 
Please note that a Birthday Bash to celebrate Bella’s 2nd Birthday will be taking place on November 15 in Kirkland Lake, featuring 3 very talented local bands to help us raise money. Space will be limited. Details will be posted soon.
Click HERE to donate to Bella’s Memorial Fund.
#StayStrong

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It’s morning. I’m still in bed and it’s after 8 am. I came back to bed but of course I can’t sleep. I need my ME time and when you’re surrounded by family, it’s hard to come by.
I’m with my sisters again. We decided to come south for the weekend. Our drive yesterday filled me with blessings.
I feel blessed that Bella chose me to be her mom. She may have left but comes to me every single day in some form (Bella corrects me and reminds me that she didn’t leave, she transitioned, and this was her choice). She keeps giving me gifts. Love, hope, and understanding. I struggle to understand why I’m receiving these gifts from her because I feel that as a grieving mother, I should be feeling pain and anger, but instead I am so full of love today.
It’s not always this way. This is the roller coaster of grief. I never know from one day to the next what emotions will consume me but I am forced to accept what is. This is my reality. This is grief. I am thankful to have days of overwhelming positivity, as yesterday brought to me.
On our way here, we stopped at the mall in North Bay and I found 2 Christmas ornaments for Bella. One will be Bella’s hand print, and the other is an angel drawing a rainbow. I was overflowing with love as I found these, as well as an angel “worry stone.” Rocks and rainbows have so much meaning to Bella and I. I will continue to use rocks to give my worries to my angel, my Bella.
It’s amazing how intense my connection to Bella is. It’s such a strong bond that not even death can separate us. She comes everywhere with me and constantly gives me signs. I now know why she sends me rocks, and now I also know why she sends me rainbows. She is a rainbow child. 
Even though our time together in the physical realm was short, Bella will never leave my side. My rainbow child will continue to fulfill her life purpose, which is something she could never do in life. As her mother, it is my job to help her get her messages out. Maybe the time has come to share. I can’t help but wonder how they will be received. 


#StayStrong❤️ #RainbowChild🌈

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Some days are strictly about survival. I’ve been having a lot of those days lately. A couple of weeks ago I allowed some of the pain to escape and I’ve been having a hard time keeping it in ever since. This is why I refuse to talk about certain things. I will openly talk about any other aspect of what I am experiencing, but please don’t ask about my pain.
No one wants to feel pain. We fear it and do everything possible to avoid it. When it’s present, all we can do is deal with it. One day at a time, one hour at a time, one minute at a time. One breath at a time…
I was hoping that writing about it would help me feel better, but by allowing some more of the pain to escape, I just made the hole a little bit bigger. I do, however, need to feel this pain. I need to let it out in order to heal. 
I’m in survival mode. I do as little as I have to in a day. Hudson is well cared for but I feel a lot of guilt that I haven’t been able to do more fun things with him. I have been trying, but I feel that it’s still not enough. 
I remember a time, not so long ago, when my kids were my whole life. Everything I did was for them. We spent all our time together and made a point of doing something fun every single day, even if that was simply dancing in our living room. Now doing these things with Hudson is so hard. It’s a constant reminder that someone is missing. Now it seems that my life revolves around this gaping wound in my chest and trying to cover it up. As with all deep wounds, the blood seeps out faster than I can keep up with so I keep putting on new band aids.
I remember a TV commercial that used say “depression hurts – all over.” This couldn’t be more accurate. Everything hurts. These last couple of weeks have been pretty painful and difficult. I’m already missing out on so much with my angel. 
Bella’s friends started dance class. She should be dancing with them. Hudson started dance class too. We were there tonight and the most precious baby girl was asleep in her car seat. I couldn’t take my eyes off her, yet I felt physical pain by just looking at her. Her mom mentioned that she doesn’t sleep well at night. I so badly wanted to tell her that my baby girl was never a good sleeper either, but I dread the reaction I get when people find out my baby girl is now an angel. 
At first I was pretty open about talking to people about it but I quickly discovered that people treat you differently after you lose a child so sometimes I choose not to mention it. Many people feel awkward because they don’t know what to say, some people avoid conversation altogether. I’m not sure if not mentioning my angel actually helps because so far it seems to amplify the pain. It’s a losing battle.
After 15 consecutive bad days, I chose to smile and enjoy the rest of the day. And so I did, as much as I could. But now it’s quiet and all I can think about tonight is how much I miss her. It’s getting harder to #StayStrong💔

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I hate this feeling I have inside. That’s why i repress it. My days seem dark and all I want to do is sleep. I am so tired. Always tired. And tired of feeling tired. I force myself to get things done but it never fails that my list of things to do grows faster than my ability to accomplish my goals. 
It’s been a rough week. So was last week. I feel myself slipping into a depression. Everything is an effort. I have only the best of intentions but seem to be failing more than anything. By allowing myself to fall into that darkness, I feel that I am letting myself down, letting Bella down. I do believe, however, that I need to feel this way. I need to be sad. I am angry that she left. There is pain so deep within me that I am not allowing myself to feel. I’m not sure if it’s because I am trying to stay strong or if it’s because I’m not ready. Most likely it’s because I am so scared to feel this pain as it is too overwhelming that I am fearful of what may happen if I do feel it. 
Part of me still feels like this is just a bad dream. Part of me wonders if Bella’s life was the dream. 
I am disconnected, but holding on.
#StayStrong❤️

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I would give anything, absolutely ANYTHING, to go back to the day Bella was born and experience her life over again. Last night I was looking at photos of her first month on this planet, many of which I had never seen. As much as it is a blessing to have these moments captured, it causes me deep pain to look at them. 
If I were to go back to November 14, 2012, I would tell myself to enjoy every single moment of my angel’s life. Especially the difficult moments. I would appreciate every single second I had with her, knowing that our time together was limited. 
Bella’s birth was beautiful, and she was perfect. She slept most of the first 2 days of her life, while we were in the hospital. The day I brought her home, everything changed. Her first night at home, she woke up every time I’d put her down. After many attempts, I fell asleep in my bed with her in my arms, which is where she slept for the first year. If she wasn’t in my arms, she wouldn’t sleep. 
When she was 7 days old, we had her newborn photo shoot. It was a challenge because she was cranky for the first time. Little did I know that “cranky” would be her norm. She cried nonstop for 9 hours a day, every single day. I was in denial about the fact that my baby had colic. I was embarrassed about it and didn’t want anyone to know. I felt like a complete failure as a mother.
We rarely left home. When we did go out, someone would always comment on how cranky my baby was. This made me feel awful and ashamed, and as a result, I refused to wave my home. I didn’t want anyone seeing how my child was “less than perfect.” We also didn’t have many visitors. I am thankful for those few friends who came over despite the chaos and were willing to have conversations over the screaming while watching me pace and bounce my unconsolable baby girl. It was rare that I would ever accept help, likely because of the embarrassment, but offers were always appreciated and will never be forgotten.
I refused to accept that it was “just colic” and that she was perfectly heathy. No baby would cry that much unless something was wrong. It was a symptom of something more, but I never did find out the cause. She screamed all day every day for the first 3.5 months of her life. Those days were by far the most challenging of my entire life. After conquering colic, I can do anything!
If I could go back to the day Bella was born, I would tell myself that I would get through the colic. I would reassure myself that I was doing the best I could, and that I was capable. I would remind myself that I’m human and it is ok to be angry. I would tell myself that this experience would change me and make me strong. I would embrace those difficult moments as challenges are what help us grow, and I am thankful for what it taught me. 
I wished time away. For that I will always be regretful. You can’t take moments back once they pass. I will now always embrace life for what it is, good or bad. 
Looking back at the photos, there were many happy moments that I was unable to see at the time. It is these happy moments that will be etched in my memory for all of eternity. 
#StayStrong❤️ #Colic

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My little man is off to school. He was pretty excited about his first day of SK. For the first time, it was an easy morning. No fussing, no rushing, no chaos. It was too easy. He was ready early so we went outside to take a few photos. 
The last day of school was the last day of Bella’s life, so this is really a new chapter for us. I wasn’t sure how today would affect me and the truth is I didn’t give it much thought but after Hudson’s bus drove away, I sat outside in the quiet and it hit me. I shouldn’t be here right now; I should be on my way to drop Bella off at daycare and then be going to work! I’m angry that instead of my normal day, I have to sit here, alone, in the quiet, hurting from the inside out.
A year ago, life was so hard. Shawn left in July and I was on my own with 2 kids full time. I was struggling with the separation and grieving the loss of my spouse. It was difficult and at the time I didn’t think it could be any worse. Boy, was I wrong.
I would give anything to go back to those chaotic days. Absolutely anything. I kept telling myself that “it will get easier as Bella gets older.” She was such a handful! She didn’t sleep and was over-the-top into EVERYTHING (to the point that she was a hazard)! In hindsight, I realize she was simply making the most out of the time she had here as she likely knew her time was short. 
I’m angry that she was taken from me. I’m angry that this had to happen to me! I’m angry that although I had been through enough a year ago that I could have written a book about my life, this had to happen to show me that the past was just the past and nothing before Bella ever mattered at all. I’m angry that I could have been so naive to think that life was as bad as it could get. Reality is my past made me as strong as I am and this strength is allowing me to keep going. Now it is all but water under a bridge.
Life can be chaotic. Kids are hard work, and that multiplies when you’re a single parent. It’s normal to get frustrated and impatient, but life is precious and no one is invincible. Just remember that life can change in an instant!
As I sat on my front step with tears streaming down my face, I looked over to see Bella’s beautiful pink rose staring at me. Thanks for the sign, baby girl. And with that, I stood up and decided it was time to start my day.


#StayStrong❤️

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Why do we spend our entire lives trying to escape death, especially since it’s unavoidable? Most likely it’s the fear of the unknown, but there’s more to it than that. 
I can honestly say that for me, that’s not why. It’s not even that I’m trying to escape it. I KNOW there’s more after this life because I can still feel Bella. The day after she transitioned, I almost died and that experience changed me. I didn’t die that day for 2 reasons. First and foremost, I am here for my son. He needs me, now more than ever. Secondly, I chose to live this life for a reason, and my mission isn’t complete. 
Death was once accepted as a part of life and the way people coped with it was much different because of their beliefs. It is very clear to me that Bella’s fate was death. She was no longer meant to be in the physical world. She came here for a reason and she served her purpose. I also believe that in order to complete her mission, it was necessary for her to transition to the spirit world. 
The experience of losing Bella has forever altered my beliefs about death. We grieve for OUR loss, not for what our deceased loved ones have lost. They haven’t lost anything because they are still here with us. We are the ones who have lost something because we can no longer see THEM, but rest assured that they can see US! I know this because my daughter is with me every second of every day. 
Bella talks to me. She calls me “MaMma” and tells me to be patient, that all will come together in time. She says that love is the answer to all. She also tells me we need to embrace death when it’s inevitable because it’s something our souls choose. She knew she wasn’t here for long and she made the most out of every moment she had here. 
I miss my baby girl and would give anything to hug her once again. I’m thankful that I am aware of her presence and she will continue to give me these signs because I welcome them. This is all part of my mission so I will #StayStrong❤️ for Bella!