Grief

Happy Birthday in Heaven

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It’s hard to believe it’s already been 2 years since the best day of my life. It’s even harder to believe that she’s not here to celebrate it with us. My heart fills with love when I remember that amazing moment I saw my baby girl for the first time. My heart then shatters into a million pieces when I realize how brief my time was with her. 
The day before is always harder. I think it’s the anticipation. It’s a gift that I can get the negative emotions out a day early so that I can enjoy the important day, but I was a complete disaster yesterday. The pain was unbearable. Fortunately for me, I am surrounded by people who love me and were right by my side. 
Bella’s birthday bash has been a much needed distraction. I’ve been keeping very busy preparing for her big day tomorrow. Distractions are great but it feels amazing to be able to continue doing things for her. 
Since the last few days have been so busy, I’m taking a few minutes now to remember the day of Isabella’s birth. I just came across a letter my niece (who was also my doula) wrote to Bella about her birth. Everyone has such a unique birth story. Here is mine and Bella’s:
The Birth of Isabella Maria Kasner 

 

Isabella, I am addressing this to you because I wish that I could have something as precious as this. This is the story of the day you were born, and I hope one day you cherish it as I would.  


Your mom texted me at 1:47 am on Wednesday, November 14th, 2012. She wanted to know how she could tell if her water had broken, since she noticed some fluid come out in the toilet. I reassured her that it could be her water, but it is most likely her mucous plug, which is what comes out first before you go into labour. I told her to try and get some sleep since I anticipated that you would be coming shortly. At 6:14 am, mom texted me again saying that the midwife, Ali, said to go to the hospital soon since she thought she was in early labour. Her contractions were 3 to 5 minutes apart and lasting about 50 seconds. Your mom and dad left for New Liskeard at 8:00 am, and your brother Hudson stayed with Nonna and Grandpa. The midwife arrived shortly after your parents and checked mom’s dilation at 9:45. She was 2 cm dilated and almost fully effaced, which means her cervix was almost paper thin. Your head was all the way down, which meant you were on your way! Your mom really enjoyed sitting on the toilet to help with the contractions. Zia Lori and I arrived at the hospital at lunchtime. Your mom was in the middle of a contraction when we walked in, but kept her focus to get through it. Your dad was very supportive of your mom during her contractions and knew exactly how to calm her down. Her contractions were still about 50 seconds long, but were now occurring every two minutes. She was 4 cm and fully effaced, which meant she was now in active labour. Ali was very helpful in using encouraging words to help your mom get through her contractions. She also brought in a birth stool as an option, but your mom did not need it. Your mom was very good at listening to her body and switching positions during her labour. She got on her knees beside the bed and began to feel like she had to push at about 1:15. Her water broke close to this time and it was a perfectly clear fluid, which means that you didn’t poop! (always a good sign). The midwife frequently checked your heart rate. It fluctuated between 130 and 145 which meant you were very excited to meet your family! Your mom got on her hands and knees on the bed and was swinging her hips back and forth. She had found her rhythm, which is exactly what she had to do. The midwife checked your mom’s dilation one more time, and decided that she would push back the last centimeter of cervix, since your head was right there! Your mom began to push at 1:45 on her hands and knees, and she did an amazing job. Your head came out at about 2:08 and you were born at 2:11. Everyone cried. It was a moment of pure bliss. Your mom was given a shot of oxytocin in her leg and yelled louder than she did giving birth to you! There was a large amount of bleeding after your placenta came out, and was considered a postpartum hemorrhage. Thankfully everything was ok. You were a whopping 9 pounds 3.5 ounces and 21 inches long. Everyone was blown away about how big you were since your brother was only 7 pounds and your mom was only one day overdue! The midwife showed everyone the different parts of the placenta and gave it to me to dehydrate and encapsulate (for your mom to ingest to help with postpartum symptoms). The midwife left and Zia Lori and I gave your mom and dad a few moments to spend with their new beautiful baby girl. I am truly blessed to have been able to experience this wonderful journey with your mother and you. I hope that one day you realize the miracle of birth, and realize that you were brought into this world in the most calm, natural, loving and beautiful environment possible. 

 

And to you Auntie Angie…Thank you for letting me be part of this. I can’t express the gratitude that I feel for being able to be part of your special journey and the fact that you trusted me throughout this experience.  

 

Love Always 

Bailey XOXO


#StayStrong❤️ #HappyBirthdayAngel👼

This is Bella❤️👼🏼

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The problem with life is you can’t plan for the unknown. Things can change in an instant. Once a moment passes, all you are left with are memories. I’m so blessed to have captured so many beautiful memories of Bella. Prince Charming never had the opportunity to meet her but with all the moments I have captured, he can get to know her. 
Who was Bella? She was a very persistent and stubborn baby girl. She hated sleep. Her mommy was her favourite “thing” and she used me as a soother. She loved her big brother sooo much, and he loved her just as much. Nonna Bis was her favourite person (other than mommy and Hudson). She would visit us every single evening and Bella would greet her excitedly at the door, take her slippers out of the closet and put them on her feet.
Bella loved to dance. She loved scribbling. She was as independent as could be. She feared nothing, climbed everything in sight and liked to scare her mommy. She had a one track mind and once she decided on something, there was no changing it. She loved food and I loved cooking for her (and I hate cooking!). She loved her dog Buddy. She was affectionate and loved kissing mommy, Hudson and Buddy. 
Did I mention she hated sleep? She would scream for hours (crying it out was useless). She was a very restless sleeper. She slept in her Mommy’s arms for the first year of her life, most of the time with a boob in her mouth. It’s the only thing that would soothe her. 
She got into EVERYTHING!!!! She loved making messes and taking things apart. She would always get into the cupboard and take every single baggie out of each box. She’s get into my plants. She’s climb onto Hudson’s desk and eat his markers. She’d climb on top of her high chair, onto the kitchen table, and onto the chairs at the table where she would get stuck and scream because she couldn’t get down. You would think she would learn but persistence would win and she’s go back over and over until mommy moved the chairs. 
She loved pushing buttons and often played with the printer (it still starts up on it’s own). She’d use her baby swing to help her get up and down the stair in the living room, and would start it up and turn the music on (it often starts up in it’s own at daycare, where it now is).
She absolutely hated having anything in her hair, which always looked messy because she refused to keep it up. She also liked to take her clothes off. And socks and shoes… She’s take them off in the car and throw them, and I’d have a hard time finding them. 
Hudson, mommy and Bella did EVERYTHING together. We had dance parties every single day. Hudson and Bella loved dancing naked on the table in the living room. They would also dance in their car seats.
Barney, Elmo and Abby were her favorite characters. She loved that annoying 4 squares show. She’d try to put her DVDs on herself and would get upset if you tried to help. 
She was essentially non verbal. She started calling me “mamma” the last few days of her life, finally! Her vocabulary included “yah,” “no,” “dis,” “dat,” “tickle” and a few others words. She was excellent at communicating despite her lack of verbal skills. 
These are just a few of my favourite things about Bella. Thinking about her makes me happy and sad at the same time. Watching videos of her warms my hart and makes me cry. I am so thankful to have all these moments captured. It’s all I have left of my precious angel. And now I get to share her with the world!


#StayStrong❤️

Broken, But Happy!❤️

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Time does not heal all wounds. It takes a lot of hard work to be happy. For me it’s going to take a lot of hard work to heal the emotional wounds. People can remain scarred for a lifetime if they don’t do the work to heal emotional scars. It’s time. I’m ready.
I’ve been living in this happy fantasy land where Prince Charming came and swept me off my feet. There’s nothing wrong with that because I know I deserve to be happy, loved, and respected. I can’t stay in this fantasy world forever because it’s a safe place where healing is postponed. And by “fantasy” I don’t mean it’s not real. Believe me, it’s VERY real. But this fantasy world is a place where pain does not exist. This pain can no longer be ignored.
Reality is my 19 month old baby girl left this realm. Reality is I will never get to feel her physical touch again. I feel her energy, but it’s not the same. It brings me joy to feel her this way, and I’m thankful that I at least have this much. A part of me is gone. Taken from me. And it’s something I can never get back.
What I need to do now is come down from cloud 9 and feel the pain of being robbed of the most precious gift I ever received. In order to feel this pain, I will go back to the beginning. Bella was a challenge right from the start. I was not only robbed of my daughter but was robbed of the enjoyment of being a new mom.
I now feel that I have the strength to go back to those days. Relive them. Feel the frustrations again and remember what they have taught me. The main purpose will be to heal, but also to help others going through similar struggles. 
Now that happiness has found me, I finally have the strength to do this. “Love is the answer” and will help me heal. So here it goes….
#StayStrong❤️

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The roller coaster of grief continues, although right now I am at the highest point. It’s difficult to comprehend the mixed emotions I am currently feeling. I am still broken, but I think the pieces are slowly coming back together.
Bella often talks about love. She says that “love is the answer” and “love will heal all.” I know that Bella is referring to much bigger things (like the state of the world), but it can also be applied to my current state. Love is the answer to how I will heal my broken heart! It will never fully heal, but the process has definitely begun.
After all that I have been through, it seems foreign to feel happiness. It’s so easy to let the positivity take me away, and because I am capable of feeling it, I have decided to give in to it. I am allowing myself to be happy. I am purposely taking a break from healing, which in itself IS healing. 
It takes a lot of hard work to cope with grief. It’s a challenge, and every day is different. It’s also a lot of work to remain happy, especially when there’s a huge hole in your heart. When love finds you, it’s ok to let it fill that hole. Love has found me, and for that I can thank Bella. She led love to me.
I still have a lot of emotional work to do in order to heal, but I deserve happiness and have decided to succumb to it. Bella says she is best able to feel me when I am happy, and this is her way of ensuring that she can feel me. Thank you, Bella❤️


#StayStrong❤️ #LoveIsTheAnswer

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This morning I lay in bed with a huge smile on my face. It seems impossible for someone to be so happy yet so broken at the same time. Bella has been sending me gifts and I’m trying to soak it all in.
I’ve had some mixed feedback about Bella’s birthday bash so I want to clear up a few things. First of all, let me ask “What is a Birthday?”
We celebrate birthdays as a way to celebrate the day a person was born. It’s not about celebrating becoming older. It’s not about cake or presents. Somehow the concept of what a birthday is got spoiled and the true meaning was lost. 
A birthday is for parents to celebrate the day they became parents. The anniversary of the best day of 2 peoples lives as they welcome a new life that they created. It’s so sacred! 
A birthday bash for my daughter may be very selfish. I’ll admit it… This birthday bash is more for Bella’s father and me than anyone else. All I ask is that people please respect this. 
The day Bella was born was the best day of my life. I’m sure Shawn would say the same thing.
I was approached by an amazing person who wrote a song for Bella and wanted to hold an event to play this song for us, and suggested that any money raised be donated to us. This was a beautiful gesture, but the thought of us getting money didn’t sit well, so I began researching ideas of what I could do with any money raised. I found a pink park bench and knew I had to get one for Bella. 
Bella’s father and I talked about it and more people wanted to be involved so the idea quickly evolved. Her birthday was approaching and I desperately wanted to have it as a celebration of the day she came into this world. Selfish, yes. Wrong? Hardly… 
Bella is still very much alive. I am serious when I say she talks to me. My psychiatrist knows she talks to me and his report states that I am not crazy! She tells me how much she appreciates what I am doing for her and is actually very excited about her party. She may never be “2 years old” but her birthday will always be the anniversary of the best day of my life. To Bella, she is not dead (and does not like when I say that word). Bella transitioned to a higher dimension. She is HERE and continues to be ALIVE, just not in the physical 3rd dimensional world we perceive.
Bella wants to redefine “death” to help humans understand that it’s not at all what we perceive it to be. The rainbows I see everywhere I go, rocks I find in strange places, and odd things that occur on a daily basis, are all signs from Bella, my guardian angel, making sure I KNOW that she’s here with me. Yesterday she sent me a song to tell me that I am “never alone” (Lady Antebellum) and the lyrics of that song are very real to her and I. 
This “birthday bash” is a party for Bella’s father and I, our families, friends, and anyone else who wants to be a part of it. It’s a pub, a party for adults, a celebration our angel. 

#StayStrong❤️

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All is calm and quiet. I hear the water trickling in my fish tank, the empty tank that used to be our pet Jerry’s home. He is now Bella’s pet fish and I’m sure she’s loving the extra company. 
Things here are at a standstill. I am digging myself back out from this hole yet again. It doesn’t take much to set me back. Negative encounters drain me and lower my frequency. This causes me to isolate myself. When my frequency is down, Bella has a difficult time communicating with me. Despite that, she continues to make her presence known. She always finds a way to get through to me.
Bella has been visiting several of my friends, some who didn’t believe she actually communicates with me. They are now believers! I am convinced that my daughter is going to reshape the way we perceive death. She is not dead and although I continue to use that term, I have a hard time saying it because I know different. Bella is very much alive! She is happy and well. 
Even though I know she is always here with me, I will continue to go through the process of grief. It’s necessary and is the only way I’ll ever be able to heal. Spiritually, she is here with me, but physically, I am still missing her, that piece of me. When you lose a child, a piece of you really does die along with them… And she’s correcting me as I write this. Her version is “as I transitioned, I took a piece of you but that’s because humans are limited in what they can perceive.” She says there are entire worlds beyond what we can see. 
She chose me. For that I am blessed. I’m meant to experience losing my child and I know her reasons for choosing me. I’m doing the best I can under the circumstances and she is doing her best to help me. She sends me gifts, many of them, and it’s constant! She wants me to be happy because she can feel me when I am happy. My daughter has just sent me the best gift anyone has ever given me. I have never felt so sure about anything in my life. 
Today, I feel love. I feel alive!❤️

#StayStrong❤️

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Happy Thanksgiving! This year I am thankful for my family. I wouldn’t be here without them. Most of all, I am thankful for my guardian angel. She has given me so many gifts, things beyond my wildest dreams. I am blessed to be an angel’s mommy. I am thankful for the 19 months I got to hold her in my arms. I am thankful for the love, the memories, and the hard lessons. I wouldn’t be who I am today without my daughter. Thank you Bella for choosing me and being with me every single moment for the rest of eternity. #StayStrong❤️

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The last few days have been so up and down. There’s so much more that comes along with losing a child which most people wouldn’t think about. So much that still needs to be done that I can’t bring myself to do. Preparing to do these things brings so much sadness that I have to stop. Things like canceling her health card and sending her death certificate to wherever it needs to go. The mere sight of that paper yesterday was enough to send me into a whirlwind. 
Everything becomes difficult when you lose a child. Sometimes even your reflexes stop and reminders are needed to make sure you breathe. But the last few days have also been filled with excitement as I plan Bella’s birthday party. It seems strange that planning her birthday bash would bring me joy, but anything I can do for her fills me with love and happiness. She tells me she is happy I’m doing this for her and she’s excited about her party. Her doll always talks while I work on anything to do with her party.
I’ve continued to write every night, but the things I’ve been writing about are not things I can post. There is so much that is not known to others, and as open and honest as I am in my posts, honestly there are things that the public will never know about. This is for no other reason than respect for others and wanting to protect them. Sometimes our “story” is not ours to share. Someday I may share it, most likely in the books that Bella tells me I will be writing, but for now my life remains a complicated mess on the inside and is masked by the fact that I just lost my daughter. Reality is this mess existed long before she left. 
I wish more people would appreciate what they have. Even the bad times. Appreciate every moment because not everyone has those opportunities. Life was not easy before Bella transitioned, but nothing compares to this. I would give absolutely anything to be sleep deprived again. I want my chaotic life back! Parenting is hard work and some people aren’t fortunate enough to experience the difficulties that go hand in hand with the joys of parenting. Complaining about the challenges doesn’t help anyone.
I’m just as guilty as every other parent out there. I was a single parent of 2 kids for a year. 4 months of that year I was still on maternity leave, and then I became a full time working single mother of 2 with a side business. Busy is an understatement. Despite the challenges I faced, I made a point of capturing at least one “happy moment” every single day. When I look back at the pictures of my hectic life, I see only happy memories. These are the moments I will remember for eternity. 
Sometimes parents get overwhelmed. It happens to the best of us, and it’s ok to get frustrated. It’s how you handle those frustrations that matters. It’s about where you choose to focus your energy. To those parents who don’t get to see their kids every day, remember to make the most out of every moment you do have, and do your best to have as many moments as possible. That’s what counts! 
To all of the parents out there that are fortunate enough to have moments with your children, please embrace them all. The good, the bad and especially the ugly because these are the moments that allow us to grow. Remember that there are parents out there who would give their last breath for one more moment with their child. Love every moment and you will have no regrets because, as Bella keeps telling me, “Love is the answer.”


#StayStrong❤️

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Every parent’s worst fear is for something terrible to happen to their child. We all do the best we can to protect our babies, but reality is sometimes bad things happen. Unexplainable things. Tragedies that tear us apart at our core. This past June 28, the unimaginable happened to us when our baby Bella left this world. 
Bella was 19 months old. A very special spirit, she touched everyone who ever came into contact with her. She had depth to her soul that no child could possibly possess. She was here for a reason and now it’s up to us to fulfill her purpose and keep her memory alive.
When a child dies, everyone around that child is affected. It shook the ground in our small community and friends and strangers from all over have reached out to us to show their love and support. We could never express our gratitude as words are insufficient, but know that it has touched us in ways we never knew existed. 
Now that she is gone, it is up to us to keep her memory alive and in order to do that, we need your help. We plan to build a memorial for Bella in a local park. Plans include a pink park bench, flower pots, and hopefully an oak tree (the acorns are currently sitting in soil mixed with Bella’s placenta and ashes – a tree of life). Anything extra will be going towards improving Larder Lake’s playground. 
Please note that a Birthday Bash to celebrate Bella’s 2nd Birthday will be taking place on November 15 in Kirkland Lake, featuring 3 very talented local bands to help us raise money. Space will be limited. Details will be posted soon.
Click HERE to donate to Bella’s Memorial Fund.
#StayStrong

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It’s morning. I’m still in bed and it’s after 8 am. I came back to bed but of course I can’t sleep. I need my ME time and when you’re surrounded by family, it’s hard to come by.
I’m with my sisters again. We decided to come south for the weekend. Our drive yesterday filled me with blessings.
I feel blessed that Bella chose me to be her mom. She may have left but comes to me every single day in some form (Bella corrects me and reminds me that she didn’t leave, she transitioned, and this was her choice). She keeps giving me gifts. Love, hope, and understanding. I struggle to understand why I’m receiving these gifts from her because I feel that as a grieving mother, I should be feeling pain and anger, but instead I am so full of love today.
It’s not always this way. This is the roller coaster of grief. I never know from one day to the next what emotions will consume me but I am forced to accept what is. This is my reality. This is grief. I am thankful to have days of overwhelming positivity, as yesterday brought to me.
On our way here, we stopped at the mall in North Bay and I found 2 Christmas ornaments for Bella. One will be Bella’s hand print, and the other is an angel drawing a rainbow. I was overflowing with love as I found these, as well as an angel “worry stone.” Rocks and rainbows have so much meaning to Bella and I. I will continue to use rocks to give my worries to my angel, my Bella.
It’s amazing how intense my connection to Bella is. It’s such a strong bond that not even death can separate us. She comes everywhere with me and constantly gives me signs. I now know why she sends me rocks, and now I also know why she sends me rainbows. She is a rainbow child. 
Even though our time together in the physical realm was short, Bella will never leave my side. My rainbow child will continue to fulfill her life purpose, which is something she could never do in life. As her mother, it is my job to help her get her messages out. Maybe the time has come to share. I can’t help but wonder how they will be received. 


#StayStrong❤️ #RainbowChild🌈