I had to share this here. This is my favorite video of Bella. I miss our dance parties ❤️👼
Click HERE to watch the video.
My Favourite Video
Child Loss
This morning I lay in bed thankful that Christmas is over. I wasn’t expecting it to be so difficult, but I should have known better. We had plans and I was excited about them. Unfortunately, things didn’t work out and it left me with 2 empty spaces in my heart where 2 rainbows should have been.
We weren’t the only family who struggled this Christmas. It seems that many friends had their own struggles this year. 2014 has been a trying year for many. It’s almost over but I have mixed feelings about it coming to an end. In saying goodbye to the worst year of my life, I’m also saying goodbye to the year I created the happiest memories with my children. Another year is just more proof that you can’t stop time.
I lost Bella 6 months ago tomorrow. It doesn’t hurt any less. Actually, I’m decreasing my medication and it hurts much more these days because I can actually feel the pain. I need this to happen if I want healing to occur. I need to feel the pain. I felt it strongly this Christmas and cried for hours, and was then exhausted from the emotional release. I felt guilty about it but this is progress and it’s what I needed to do. I’m tired of waiting for the right moment to break down.
I am so blessed to be surrounded by people who love and support me. My family means everything to me and they are here to hold me up when I struggle to breathe. I got through it though. It wasn’t easy, but I did it. Today I celebrate that! I survived the most difficult Christmas ever!
Next Christmas will different. If you want things to be different, it’s up to you to do things differently. So right now we will plan and do what needs to be done in order to create a different kind of Christmas next year. At least I know that it will be better than the one we just had.
#StayStrong❤️
As I sit in the car, I think. My brain never stops, although more often than not, I try to turn it off. I welcome the thoughts today. It’s a long drive to our 30km destination due to a bit of snow. The 401 is slow moving, so I have a lot of time to think.
Losing Bella has changed me. What most people don’t know is that I’ve experienced many events over the last several years that have all changed me in some way. Bella changed me! She alone has hanged me more than anything. Conceiving her changed my outlook. Birthing her changed my perception of my body. The experience of her colic pushed me to limits I never knew existed and forced me to learn what patience is. Becoming a single mother changed how I handle things and taught me about priorities. Going back to work as a newly single mom taught me that I need to take care of ME before I can take care of anyone else. Bella’s father’s car accident taught me to depend on no one but myself. These are only a few things I’ve learned.
Losing Bella taught me the most. It taught me that no matter how terrible life is, in one split second everything can change for the worse. That no matter how bad things are, the most difficult and challenging times if your life teach you the most. To embrace life as it comes to you because it can all be taken away without notice.
When I look back at the most difficult time in my life (life with Bella), I now see the best days of my life! Bella taught me more in her short 19 months than any other person I’ve ever met. She challenged me and because I loved her unconditionally, I did what was necessary without questioning it. She taught me how to be strong. It’s as though she came to teach me what she needed to in order to prepare me for when she needed to leave me.
I read a quote the other day (of course I can’t find it now) about how no matter how bad a situation is, there is always something good in it; the key is to find the good. I told Tom that I had a hard time believing it. I just realized that it’s true. No matter how bad life is, there really is something good to be found everywhere. Losing Bella has pushed me to be the best person I can be. It has taught me that the spirit world is not separate from this world. We are all connected and never cease to be. She taught me how to be strong, and by leaving me she forced me to demonstrate the strength she instilled in me. This strength can hopefully show others that their challenges aren’t as bad as they seem. If I can be strong, I believe anyone can be!
When life is difficult, remember that everything is temporary. When life is good, remember that it won’t last forever. Good times and bad are only a matter of perspective and you can’t enjoy the positive without knowing the bad. Embrace every moment as it comes and try to see the beauty in every day. And most of all, #StayStong❤️
This morning I lay in bed with a huge smile on my face. It seems impossible for someone to be so happy yet so broken at the same time. Bella has been sending me gifts and I’m trying to soak it all in.
I’ve had some mixed feedback about Bella’s birthday bash so I want to clear up a few things. First of all, let me ask “What is a Birthday?”
We celebrate birthdays as a way to celebrate the day a person was born. It’s not about celebrating becoming older. It’s not about cake or presents. Somehow the concept of what a birthday is got spoiled and the true meaning was lost.
A birthday is for parents to celebrate the day they became parents. The anniversary of the best day of 2 peoples lives as they welcome a new life that they created. It’s so sacred!
A birthday bash for my daughter may be very selfish. I’ll admit it… This birthday bash is more for Bella’s father and me than anyone else. All I ask is that people please respect this.
The day Bella was born was the best day of my life. I’m sure Shawn would say the same thing.
I was approached by an amazing person who wrote a song for Bella and wanted to hold an event to play this song for us, and suggested that any money raised be donated to us. This was a beautiful gesture, but the thought of us getting money didn’t sit well, so I began researching ideas of what I could do with any money raised. I found a pink park bench and knew I had to get one for Bella.
Bella’s father and I talked about it and more people wanted to be involved so the idea quickly evolved. Her birthday was approaching and I desperately wanted to have it as a celebration of the day she came into this world. Selfish, yes. Wrong? Hardly…
Bella is still very much alive. I am serious when I say she talks to me. My psychiatrist knows she talks to me and his report states that I am not crazy! She tells me how much she appreciates what I am doing for her and is actually very excited about her party. She may never be “2 years old” but her birthday will always be the anniversary of the best day of my life. To Bella, she is not dead (and does not like when I say that word). Bella transitioned to a higher dimension. She is HERE and continues to be ALIVE, just not in the physical 3rd dimensional world we perceive.
Bella wants to redefine “death” to help humans understand that it’s not at all what we perceive it to be. The rainbows I see everywhere I go, rocks I find in strange places, and odd things that occur on a daily basis, are all signs from Bella, my guardian angel, making sure I KNOW that she’s here with me. Yesterday she sent me a song to tell me that I am “never alone” (Lady Antebellum) and the lyrics of that song are very real to her and I.
This “birthday bash” is a party for Bella’s father and I, our families, friends, and anyone else who wants to be a part of it. It’s a pub, a party for adults, a celebration our angel.
#StayStrong❤️
All is calm and quiet. I hear the water trickling in my fish tank, the empty tank that used to be our pet Jerry’s home. He is now Bella’s pet fish and I’m sure she’s loving the extra company.
Things here are at a standstill. I am digging myself back out from this hole yet again. It doesn’t take much to set me back. Negative encounters drain me and lower my frequency. This causes me to isolate myself. When my frequency is down, Bella has a difficult time communicating with me. Despite that, she continues to make her presence known. She always finds a way to get through to me.
Bella has been visiting several of my friends, some who didn’t believe she actually communicates with me. They are now believers! I am convinced that my daughter is going to reshape the way we perceive death. She is not dead and although I continue to use that term, I have a hard time saying it because I know different. Bella is very much alive! She is happy and well.
Even though I know she is always here with me, I will continue to go through the process of grief. It’s necessary and is the only way I’ll ever be able to heal. Spiritually, she is here with me, but physically, I am still missing her, that piece of me. When you lose a child, a piece of you really does die along with them… And she’s correcting me as I write this. Her version is “as I transitioned, I took a piece of you but that’s because humans are limited in what they can perceive.” She says there are entire worlds beyond what we can see.
She chose me. For that I am blessed. I’m meant to experience losing my child and I know her reasons for choosing me. I’m doing the best I can under the circumstances and she is doing her best to help me. She sends me gifts, many of them, and it’s constant! She wants me to be happy because she can feel me when I am happy. My daughter has just sent me the best gift anyone has ever given me. I have never felt so sure about anything in my life.
Today, I feel love. I feel alive!❤️
#StayStrong❤️
Every parent’s worst fear is for something terrible to happen to their child. We all do the best we can to protect our babies, but reality is sometimes bad things happen. Unexplainable things. Tragedies that tear us apart at our core. This past June 28, the unimaginable happened to us when our baby Bella left this world.
Bella was 19 months old. A very special spirit, she touched everyone who ever came into contact with her. She had depth to her soul that no child could possibly possess. She was here for a reason and now it’s up to us to fulfill her purpose and keep her memory alive.
When a child dies, everyone around that child is affected. It shook the ground in our small community and friends and strangers from all over have reached out to us to show their love and support. We could never express our gratitude as words are insufficient, but know that it has touched us in ways we never knew existed.
Now that she is gone, it is up to us to keep her memory alive and in order to do that, we need your help. We plan to build a memorial for Bella in a local park. Plans include a pink park bench, flower pots, and hopefully an oak tree (the acorns are currently sitting in soil mixed with Bella’s placenta and ashes – a tree of life). Anything extra will be going towards improving Larder Lake’s playground.
Please note that a Birthday Bash to celebrate Bella’s 2nd Birthday will be taking place on November 15 in Kirkland Lake, featuring 3 very talented local bands to help us raise money. Space will be limited. Details will be posted soon.
Click HERE to donate to Bella’s Memorial Fund.
#StayStrong
I would give anything, absolutely ANYTHING, to go back to the day Bella was born and experience her life over again. Last night I was looking at photos of her first month on this planet, many of which I had never seen. As much as it is a blessing to have these moments captured, it causes me deep pain to look at them.
If I were to go back to November 14, 2012, I would tell myself to enjoy every single moment of my angel’s life. Especially the difficult moments. I would appreciate every single second I had with her, knowing that our time together was limited.
Bella’s birth was beautiful, and she was perfect. She slept most of the first 2 days of her life, while we were in the hospital. The day I brought her home, everything changed. Her first night at home, she woke up every time I’d put her down. After many attempts, I fell asleep in my bed with her in my arms, which is where she slept for the first year. If she wasn’t in my arms, she wouldn’t sleep.
When she was 7 days old, we had her newborn photo shoot. It was a challenge because she was cranky for the first time. Little did I know that “cranky” would be her norm. She cried nonstop for 9 hours a day, every single day. I was in denial about the fact that my baby had colic. I was embarrassed about it and didn’t want anyone to know. I felt like a complete failure as a mother.
We rarely left home. When we did go out, someone would always comment on how cranky my baby was. This made me feel awful and ashamed, and as a result, I refused to wave my home. I didn’t want anyone seeing how my child was “less than perfect.” We also didn’t have many visitors. I am thankful for those few friends who came over despite the chaos and were willing to have conversations over the screaming while watching me pace and bounce my unconsolable baby girl. It was rare that I would ever accept help, likely because of the embarrassment, but offers were always appreciated and will never be forgotten.
I refused to accept that it was “just colic” and that she was perfectly heathy. No baby would cry that much unless something was wrong. It was a symptom of something more, but I never did find out the cause. She screamed all day every day for the first 3.5 months of her life. Those days were by far the most challenging of my entire life. After conquering colic, I can do anything!
If I could go back to the day Bella was born, I would tell myself that I would get through the colic. I would reassure myself that I was doing the best I could, and that I was capable. I would remind myself that I’m human and it is ok to be angry. I would tell myself that this experience would change me and make me strong. I would embrace those difficult moments as challenges are what help us grow, and I am thankful for what it taught me.
I wished time away. For that I will always be regretful. You can’t take moments back once they pass. I will now always embrace life for what it is, good or bad.
Looking back at the photos, there were many happy moments that I was unable to see at the time. It is these happy moments that will be etched in my memory for all of eternity.
#StayStrong❤️ #Colic
My little man is off to school. He was pretty excited about his first day of SK. For the first time, it was an easy morning. No fussing, no rushing, no chaos. It was too easy. He was ready early so we went outside to take a few photos.
The last day of school was the last day of Bella’s life, so this is really a new chapter for us. I wasn’t sure how today would affect me and the truth is I didn’t give it much thought but after Hudson’s bus drove away, I sat outside in the quiet and it hit me. I shouldn’t be here right now; I should be on my way to drop Bella off at daycare and then be going to work! I’m angry that instead of my normal day, I have to sit here, alone, in the quiet, hurting from the inside out.
A year ago, life was so hard. Shawn left in July and I was on my own with 2 kids full time. I was struggling with the separation and grieving the loss of my spouse. It was difficult and at the time I didn’t think it could be any worse. Boy, was I wrong.
I would give anything to go back to those chaotic days. Absolutely anything. I kept telling myself that “it will get easier as Bella gets older.” She was such a handful! She didn’t sleep and was over-the-top into EVERYTHING (to the point that she was a hazard)! In hindsight, I realize she was simply making the most out of the time she had here as she likely knew her time was short.
I’m angry that she was taken from me. I’m angry that this had to happen to me! I’m angry that although I had been through enough a year ago that I could have written a book about my life, this had to happen to show me that the past was just the past and nothing before Bella ever mattered at all. I’m angry that I could have been so naive to think that life was as bad as it could get. Reality is my past made me as strong as I am and this strength is allowing me to keep going. Now it is all but water under a bridge.
Life can be chaotic. Kids are hard work, and that multiplies when you’re a single parent. It’s normal to get frustrated and impatient, but life is precious and no one is invincible. Just remember that life can change in an instant!
As I sat on my front step with tears streaming down my face, I looked over to see Bella’s beautiful pink rose staring at me. Thanks for the sign, baby girl. And with that, I stood up and decided it was time to start my day.
#StayStrong❤️
Why do we spend our entire lives trying to escape death, especially since it’s unavoidable? Most likely it’s the fear of the unknown, but there’s more to it than that.
I can honestly say that for me, that’s not why. It’s not even that I’m trying to escape it. I KNOW there’s more after this life because I can still feel Bella. The day after she transitioned, I almost died and that experience changed me. I didn’t die that day for 2 reasons. First and foremost, I am here for my son. He needs me, now more than ever. Secondly, I chose to live this life for a reason, and my mission isn’t complete.
Death was once accepted as a part of life and the way people coped with it was much different because of their beliefs. It is very clear to me that Bella’s fate was death. She was no longer meant to be in the physical world. She came here for a reason and she served her purpose. I also believe that in order to complete her mission, it was necessary for her to transition to the spirit world.
The experience of losing Bella has forever altered my beliefs about death. We grieve for OUR loss, not for what our deceased loved ones have lost. They haven’t lost anything because they are still here with us. We are the ones who have lost something because we can no longer see THEM, but rest assured that they can see US! I know this because my daughter is with me every second of every day.
Bella talks to me. She calls me “MaMma” and tells me to be patient, that all will come together in time. She says that love is the answer to all. She also tells me we need to embrace death when it’s inevitable because it’s something our souls choose. She knew she wasn’t here for long and she made the most out of every moment she had here.
I miss my baby girl and would give anything to hug her once again. I’m thankful that I am aware of her presence and she will continue to give me these signs because I welcome them. This is all part of my mission so I will #StayStrong❤️ for Bella!
July 29, 2014
Reality is now starting to sink in and my strength is bending ever so slightly. This is a positive thing as I am tired of not feeling the pain. Most people ask for drugs when coping with a tragedy yet I’m asking them to take me off the drugs and let me feel the pain. I’m ready for it. I’m strong enough now that I can handle it.
These last few days have been more difficult for me but I’m still not able to cry. I feel sad, but that’s as far as it goes. A huge part of me died and I’m frustrated that I can’t cry. As much as people say to give myself time, I believe how I am feeling is not part of the natural process. I feel that I am overmedicated because some people thought I tried to commit suicide, which couldn’t be farther from the truth. Not only do I want to live, I want to HEAL and I want to be HAPPY because that’s what Bella would want and it’s also what Hudson needs. In order to get there, I need to FEEL instead of keeping this band-aid on the wound. It’s time to rip that band-aid off and let myself bleed so that a scab can form and recovery can officially begin.
My heart is shattered and it will never be the same, but I am confident that it will heal. I will have a million scars where it’s broken, but those scars will be beautiful reminders of how Bella touched my life. She has forever changed me and I’m so blessed that I got to know heaven’s most beautiful angel. She was a gift sent here for me. She changed me. There is no going back to how things were before I met her. I would never want it to. But it’s time to plan my recovery so I can find my new normal.
“You will lose someone you can’t live without, and your heart will be badly broken, and the bad news is that you never completely get over the loss of your beloved. But this is also the good news. They live forever in your broken heart that doesn’t seal back up. And you come through. It’s like having a broken leg that never heals perfectly—that still hurts when the weather gets cold, but you learn to dance with the limp.” – Anne Lamott
It’s time I learn how to dance again. #StayStrong
Angie Carter 